The Science of Apathy

For the longest time I had a lot of trouble understanding apathy and even more understanding apathetic people.  I have always been a very vivacious type of person and  I always assumed that apathetic people were just lazy, like they just had some kind of inherent thumotic inferiority--lacking passion or libido or something.  But after coming to terms with my own recent apathy, I view this condition in a completely new light.

I now deduce from firsthand experience that apathy is not a lack of passion at all--in fact it is far from it--apathy is the (usually subconscious) surrender of oneself to ones immediate circumstances.  Though the manifestation of apathy is usually subconscious, it is nonetheless, rational.  It is typically a natural response to exhaustion--utter physical and emotional exhaustion which results from a seemingly endless uphill battle to find ones niche--a place where your passions matter, where they are not only appreciated but are useful/needed as well.  

When someone is unable to find a place where their passions are truly valued emotionally or monetarily (sometimes those two are one in the same), the option that seems to be the most efficient use of time and effort is to drop those passions and embrace the impulse of letting circumstance dictate your life.  It’s situations such as these that cause people to embrace quick fixes and things of immediate gratification and abandon long-term goals.  This is essentially what has happened to me this past year.  I went from someone who is so full of passion that it oozed out of my ears to someone who struggles to get out of bed each morning.  I went from someone who showered every morning and afterward picked out the outward artistic expression of my thumos in a perfectly manicured outfit every morning to someone who smells because I almost never shower and dresses like a homeless person.

But after having a lot of time to take a step (or two or three or four) back and reflect on my life, I think I can pinpoint precisely what the cause of this regression is: the feeling or perception of unvalued passion.  The devotion of two years of my life to student leadership where I was resented by those I led, the unappreciated efforts to rebuild my family, and the constant rejection by prospective employers because my gifts don’t fit a specialized job description.  The accumulation of unvalued passions in my life eventually led me to a place where it felt as if I had no control over my potential success.  

My subconscious reaction, therefore, has been to redirect my passion toward situations where there is a guaranteed or guaranteed potential outcome of success such as immediate gratification via arts & entertainment, internet surfing, and the occasional partying.  These are all activities that I can customize--where I feel in control of my potential success.  If things begin to not go successfully, I can just turn it off or switch the channel or take another shot of tequila--easy fix.

The irony of it all (which I am fully aware of) is that in order to “gain control” over my life, I have essentially forfeited control of my life to someone or something else--I am now at the mercy of my circumstances, less in control of my future than I have ever been yet somehow I still feel as though I am the most powerful I have ever been even though I know I am the weakest I have ever been.  Oh the sacrifices people make in order to push buttons rather than think, in order to have the ability to turn it all off.  But it’s not control, it’s slavery--yet it feels so right.

I know now that I will never judge homeless or unemployed people the same way ever again after my experiences this past year.  Mostly they are people who feel completely powerless who have taken what they see as the most effective path to taking control of their lives: taking on the small things in life that can’t or don’t fight back.  After all why go out and face potential rejection when you can win all day at home on the internet, on the TV, or with a bottle of Jack?  Am I right?

Well there’s the “Science of Apathy”, it wasn’t as scientific as I had hoped but it’ll suffice.  Anyways, if you’ll please excuse me, I need to go take my daily dose of Soma.